April Showers Brings May Newsletters

(because it's late)

Author

Mollie Kerr
May 03, 2024

✨ April✨

Okay, I know I am a few days late, and everyone is frothing at the mouth for the April edition, but Devon has been in town, and it’s been very busy!!! More on that next month 😘 

🎀 Mollie’s Monthly Memories🎀

April Fools!

It’s the holiday of the year. Yup, you guessed it! April fools.

It is an important holiday in the Kerr household that simply can never go unrecognized.

This year, I had the privilege of having a cyst that is growing in my ovary, thus allowing me to send my mother a very believable letter from the NHS saying that they ran some tests and I actually have something called “Polsi Flora Infection,” which is contracted from frequent contact with wild animals, the symptoms include stomach pain and an unusual desire to eat nonfood items such as plastic. The treatment is ketamine therapy, obviously. People caught on fairly quickly, which was unfortunate.

Devon also had the lovely surprise of receiving a dead fish at his door ❤️ (I also signed him up for daily bible messages)

and I attempted to convince Nava I was off to war.

A Trip To The Spa

No, I don’t mean the “spa” that women used to get sent to in the 1950s where they get lobotomized, although It is definitely something I have been looking into the way things are going.

 I went to an actual spa!! My mom and I went to the lovely Norwich Inn in Connecticut. To memorialize this occasion, Valerie got us matching shirts. I know, adorable.

We got massages, in which my masseuse decided to tell me the plot of a book she was reading and how she wished she was a C-cup bra. It was not as peaceful as I would have hoped.

Then we got body wraps. Essentially, they take hard sugar and rub it all over your body so you feel like you are being sanded down, then wrap you in a heated blanket and give you a (fabulous) scalp massage. After that, you shower all the sugar off and they COVER your body in lotion. I would say I was as soft as a baby’s butt, but I think I was softer.

We got CBD pedicures, which Val and I loved, and don’t worry, we didn’t get high as my mom truly and earnestly thought we would.

We had a fabulous girls' weekend! For 36 hours, we walked around a hotel in only a robe, and Val only worked once.

NYC And So Much To See! (And Do!)

Back home in the biggest fattest and juiciest of apples! I got to do so many delightful activities.

 Katie and I painted pottery, which involved much more focus than previously thought.

Chloe and I had a slumber party, and by slumber party, I mean that she let me into her apartment at 3:00 am while I was intoxicated and gave me chips ❤️ . I proceeded to take a 20-minute shower (?) while Chloe slept. She awoke to me sleeping next to her with a towel covering my face as if I were waterboarding myself. Thanks for saving my life Chloe!

The next morning, we got bagels and repented for our sins by helping a nun carry her groceries.

Nivi and I saw Teeth The Musical, based on the movie about the evangelical teen with teeth in her vagina. (Thank you, dad for the tickets) It is fantastic, and there were copious amounts of blood and prop penises <3 I loved it.

I wrote 30,000 words in the final papers.

I also brought 23 kilos (50 lbs) of mac and cheese, goldfish, makeup, and clothes back to London. I have a problem and this is a cry for help.

Other activities include:

  • My father and I got a manicure.

  • Bella, Kia, Chloe, and I danced at the Georgia Room, where I ran into a boy who tried to teach me soccer when I was 11 and he was 16. Clearly, I was not there to learn the sport.😉 

  • I saw the kids I used to nanny, and my heart exploded with love and a deep fear that the 6-year-old boy is going to be straight and also a douche

  • I tried on bathing suits at Marshall’s 🫶 

  • I bought Sherlock the dog a glittery raincoat (see below)

  • I read half a book, and the other half was eaten by a dog. I will not expand.

🎀 Mollie’s Mind 🎀

OKAY she is getting religious now???? (Take this platform away from me)

Well, well, well. It’s that time of year. Passover is always fun because it is like Jewish Thanksgiving; by that, I mean your whole family sits around a table and eats lots of food. However, this year was even more similar to Thanksgiving because no one wanted to talk about politics!! How fun!

MANISCHEWITZ BITCH

The Jews come together to celebrate our freedom from enslavement in Egypt. I am not sure of the historical legitimacy of any of this, but alas, we Jews love our traditions. I feel so lucky to have Passover and family traditions that bring people together, and I plan on having a seder with my own children one day. Also, matzah slays more than you would think. 💅

I love being Jewish so much, and anyone who knows me knows that it's a big part of who I am, and that is exactly why I’m anti-zionist. Yeah, this is going somewhere. Strap in.

I hope everyone knows I am not making light. I am just trying to dialogue with you in an informal way.

During this Passover, it is hard not to acknowledge that while we are feasting and celebrating our liberation, Israel is starving and killing the Palestinian people in our name. I see videos of children attempting to make bread out of any material they can access, including birdseed. It sounds like another bread story we know….. Hmm………

The bullies at school called me the Pillsbury dough boy 🙂 

So in the story, Moses was like, “Follow me, Jews,” and then God parted the Red Sea for them, and then the Egyptians tried to follow them, but God was like, “No way,” and drowned the Egyptians. The Jews were so happy !!! :) "yay” ( real quote ) and started dancing, and according to the Old Testament, God said something along the lines of, “OK, I just killed a bunch of people I created, and you are celebrating? Bffr“ Essentially, the lesson God was trying to say is that we shouldn’t be happy or wish for other people’s suffering and the downfall of others. There are no good deaths.

Idk, I think it's an interesting story that we should probably learn from. Don’t we have enough generational Jewish trauma (and also unrelated to Judaism trauma) to know we don’t want to inflict traumatize other people that will last for GENERATIONS? Hello?????

Also, can we talk about how we talk about killing babies all the time in the seder? We are always like yay!!! Slay that firstborn son!! (And not this kind of slay 💅)

My future seder will not be sexist and outdated. There will be tremendous amounts of delicious food, remixes to all the songs (ft Charli XCX), and lots of family love, and we will, of course, acknowledge and not celebrate the suffering of others!

Peace and love,

Mollie

I also think we should destroy all guns and legalize public humiliation

okay, now I’m done.

Also, look at this:

🍵 Mollie’s Matcha 🍵

Alexa and I went to Davelle in the Lower East Side in NYC. We got two gorgeous matchas, and I also got some delectable curry

We sipped some top-notch matcha and spilled some top notch tea (not the matcha kind 🙊 )

🎀 Mollie’s Music 🎀

It truly took all of me not to put a song from The Tortured Poets Department on here, but I have really been getting into Samia these past few months, and this song has been on repeat.

As always, thanks for reading.

XXXX

-M