Where have I been? 

It's been a minute. Over two months, actually. Have ya missed me?

I have felt out of sorts recently. The sun is setting at 4 pm, I stopped The Artist Way,  have become unhappy at work and even though the doctor cleared it, havent been going to the gym.  I’m not depressed. I feel like that is important to say here. Everyone, calm down.  Rather, I feel static. 

Work pressure has left me feeling so incredibly stressed. Non-profits are vital and a sector I care deeply for but also non-profit culture can be…well…not always the best. I work corporate hours, with corporate stress, for non-corporate pay. There is a growing feeling of creative unfulfillment in my life. Partially brought on by staring at Excel spreadsheets all day and realising “You know what? I don’t like this”. And partially by the fact that I have dipped my toes in creative spaces through performing, and in contrast, makes the uncreativity of my 9-5 glaringly obvious. 

Lately, I have been feeling simultaneously unmotivated and the desire for more.

This state of cognitive dissonance, unfortunately, feels hard to remedy when I feel so BUSY all the time and  I’m so TIRED literally, physically, SLEEPY, and when I do have time to think for myself, it is often about the laundry I need to do or what food I can eat next that won’t make me feel hungrier or sleepier. 

So what does more even look like? I am not sure. There seems to be distance growing between me and the things I know I enjoy. Do I want to write more? Perform more? Do more activism and advocacy? If I knew what I wanted, do I even have the time or energy to act on it?  What is the magic salve for this feeling, because surely, these Excel spreadsheets can not be it. 

In a recent article I read, the author writes about this feeling of “Is this it?” that many have in romantic relationships. This feeling of “yeah, everything is good enough, but is this all there is?” I think this sentiment applies to a multitude of other things, friendships, career, the city you live in, etc. If all my days start feeling like the same, and  I’m sat there writing the same sentence just in a slightly different way for yet another grant application, asking myself  “is this it?” the answer is almost certainly, no. This is not it. 

The author goes on to say when you find that right relationship, or career for my sake, you will be thinking, in awe “Is this possible?”, as in “Is this possible that I love what I do” “is this possible that I am undeniably fulfilled”, “is it even possible that I can somehow make art and a difference?” and this answer will, one day, be yes. 

And maybe the solution to feeling better is right in front of me: get back to The Artist’s Way, find pockets of joy at work, go back to the gym, maybe get one of those SAD lamps. I am figuring it out.  

I have loved writing my newsletter over the past almost two years. Truly, I have. A few of you who are new in my life have only read one/two editions, so havent experienced the true exhilaration of a Mollie Mail in your inbox every month. Please do feel free to go back and look. I love that people I haven’t seen in years know the names of my close friends and my intimate thoughts on politics. But truth be told, I don’t know what the future looks like for Mollie Mail. It takes time and energy to write these, and time and energy are things I don’t feel like I have a lot of these days. Maybe it will change into something new, or something only quarterly. Something that makes more sense for where I am at. 

In the meantime, enjoy some of my memories over the past two months.

🎀 Mollie’s Monthly Memories🎀

A Hand Update

I figured I would keep everyone in the loop about my now flat hand. The cast/splint is off. I am left with a wonky-looking scar and an inability to move my hand past a certain point. I had to forgo almost all workouts, including boxing, for 8 weeks :(. I am also in love with my 60-year-old married hand doctor because, well… he holds my hand! It’s romantic.

I (Body & Soul) Won An Award!!

Eeep! So I applied Body & Soul to this charity award competition. We got through every cumbersome round, and soon the 300+ charities that applied were narrowed down to 10 finalists who were asked to come to compete for 25k at the awards ceremony. And by compete, I don’t mean capture the flag or anything. We had to give a 12-minute presentation, so that's exactly what I did.  (I would like to say I don't love the fact that they are making charities essentially do a little song and dance/sing for their supper for a bunch of people in suits making double my salary, but anyway). It was incredibly stressful, but I stood my ass up there in front of lawyers, philanthropists and the rest of corporate London and did my best to tug on their cold heartstrings (and wallets). And we fricking WON. I was actually shocked. I mean, it’s no Oscar or Nobel Prize, but on that Thursday night in a lobby of a law firm, I got on that stage and accepted that mother fucking award. 

Vienna Waits For Whom? Me? No You! 

Billy Joel understands girlhood in a way that only a few middle-aged men could.

 Maura and I can’t stop jet-setting, and in October, we were in Vienna!

Vienna is gorgeous. The inner city has a quintessential European city feel, but you almost feel like you time-travelled back about 70 years. There are commercial stores, of course, Flying Tiger and Zara, but those are few in comparison to the cute shops that give off the vibe of  “we’ve been run by the same person for six decades and only about five people come in a day”. Incredible. And then these beautiful, imposing buildings scatter the city, not in a scary way but in a way that makes you feel like you’re in a different era, and places like Canary Wharf don’t exist. 

We ended our first night with incredible schnitzel, and I don't want to brag or anything, but I even ate some of the fruit jam that came with it. Maura noted that I may not leave Europe with a boyfriend, but I will leave with the taste buds of a normal grown adult! 

Our second morning, we walked to this incredible bakery that was only open three days a week, which is how you know it’s gonna be good, and boy was it! We wandered around an art museum to see Gustav Klimt’s famous “The Kiss” and then made our way through the city, grabbing a matcha,  stopping at stores, and eating frankfurters.

Eventually, we made it to a gallery that Maura’s friend’s sisters curated. The theme was “What if?” like  “What if art was only made by women?” “What if human rights were universal?”, “What if there is a cure for the common cold, but the government is keeping it from us?” Okay, that last one wasn’t actually part of the exhibit, but it’s a real thinker, innit?  One of the pieces looked very similar to my lunch, a frankfurter and french fries. But instead of a hot dog, it was a full human penis. I love art!

The curator girl seemed like she needed a good vent session because she started spilling on the tea of the exhibit. This artist copied something from this artist, and this artist dropped out last minute and this artist is a cunt. Like, go off queen! 

Aftwards we devoured traditional Viennese dessert and found our way back home to get ready for the Opera.

We went to the famous Wiener Staatsoper Opera House and saw Così Fan Futte. I loved the “event” of it all. People dressed to the nines, in suits and gowns. I wish I had more excuses to dress up all posh. The opera itself was very amusing. I always assumed that if you don’t speak Italian, you would just have to figure out what was happening from the acting. Not to say that that's not possible, but… every seat had an electronic live translator so you can understand what was being said!! Technology! Keeps amazing me. The whole performance was about three hours long. Which makes sense given it was written in 1790 and they had nothing else to do besides idk worry about the French Revolution? They couldn’t turn their brains to mush with doom scrolling the way I do now. RIP Mozart, you would have loved Addison Rae.

On Sunday we went a bit outside city centre and walked around a palace garden, where we discussed how I need to learn how to walk up hills without getting near death.  I ate one more schnitzel for the road and headed to the airport! Auf Wiedersehen Austria!

Still Doin It!

I am still getting myself incredibly stressed out to write, get up on stage and try and get people to laugh for five minutes. 

 One of the shows I do has a competition aspect. Which, usually, I think is fucked up and rigged…but that was obviously, of course, before I made it into the top four! I didn’t win (Sexism), but still! I was having a conversation with one of the other performers outside, and he said this was his 39th show. I said damn… we counting? It’s probably like my eighth? He and his friend got very complimentary, saying oh they couldn’t believe I only did that many, that I seemed to really know what I was doing. It made me feel really good! 

Honestly, doing stand-up stresses me out A. Lot. I really want to continue doing it and adore to make people laugh, but I am also very anxious and having anxiety-induced stress dreams and call Devon multiple times a day because I can’t write a joke.

I had another show in October at The Rose & Crown, where 2 years ago Susana and I went to one of the shows there. Now 2 years later, and I am actually performing in the show, and just so happened to be telling a story about my darling Susana girl. My friends took up nearly half the audience. We made up the first two rows. Of course, that meant that when the  MC decided to do crowd work, his only options were just… my friends. After the MC tried asking Darwie about his job (something no one can understand!), he asked why he was here tonight, to which Darwie responded that he “knew The Performer”. “Okay, that sounds very secretive…” says the MC. So he moves on to ask someone else (who happened to be Rory) the same question, and she responded with a similar answer about knowing“The Performer”. This, of course, led to the MC to being like “why do y’all keep calling her that”  and then only referring to me as “The Performer”. Anyway, so my new stage just dropped, and it’s The Perfomer. Which I actually think applies to how I behave outside the stage, too, because let’s face it, I never stop performing.

Thank you to my lovely friends (fans) for continuing to support me in my silly endevour! 

A Flat Update

So apparently, the effect I have on men is making them move out of my flat. The rumors are true. After his guest feature in September's Mollie Mail, the pressure of living up to the standards of being my friend and flatmate proved too much for the dear Darwie, and he couldn't hack it. Bye! Okay, no, that’s not completely true (only partially). But don’t worry, everyone, for some reason I can’t get rid of him completely, and he still remains a friend. BUT

One friend moves out means one moves in! New character alert. Everyone, say hi to Harriet my new flatmate and friend! Hooray!

Also, because I’m literally living in a sitcom, I am shouting out Rithi and Jasmine, my upstairs neighbours and friends…Simply doesn’t feel right to call them neighbours, so let’s just go with housemates?

Happy Halloween!!

Ho Ho Ho Merry Halloween. Feels like forever ago now, doesn’t it? This year, for Halloween, I dressed as Lady Macbeth, because I am a snobby intellectual, and Harriet and I hit the town, aka Metropolis in East London. Katie’s new flatmate, Harry, hosted “Harryween” and the theme was 11/10. To be fair, I probably went 7/10. Sorry. But we had so much fun!!! Metropolis is indeed a strip club during the week, so there were poles. Unfortunately, I don’t have the core, arm, leg or overall emotional strength to do anything cool, but I definitely danced near it 👍️ .

Dad Came Back To Town

Father Kerr returned to London town…. and his first night in, he got to see me to stand up for the first time!
I wrote the set especially for him, of course. We covered the main topics from the privilege my family has to have a Gay son and Thot daughter and the fact that he is a bona fide influencer. And ya girl got top four again! I honestly think it is just because they felt pressure to put me there because my father was in the audience, but hey, a win is a win, baby!

We saw the play “Spy Who Came in From The Cold” which was a very old-timey espionage play about a man working for the British government during the Cold War, but he gets distracted by the feminine wiles of a Jewish girl… What can I say we have an effect on men….The best part of the show was during the intermission, when we got into a long conversation with an 85-year-old and his son, in which he told me the entire plot of a book he was reading and how he was born “with the war” and bombs dropped on his house, they did. I love old people.

On the Saturday, we strolled Columbia Road and took a glass art class, which was delightful. It was honestly harder than I thought, and I am incredibly impatient, but we left with something resembling flowers. And according to the gallery owner, I went on exactly one date with and never again was it a true work of art. We will ignore the fact that one broke almost immediately when I got home. And then we shopped till we frickin dropped, I know a Uniqlo hates so see a Kerr coming, and I got a cunty new watch and some adorable shirts.

Felt so grateful to have him here as always<3

Friendsgiving

Friends? Yeah, I have them or whatever. I hosted my first friendsgiving this year, and we gave baby!
I was so stressed beforehand to be able to do everything outside of work hours and somehow get home on Friday in time to cook two chickens, make gravy, sweet potato pie, etc. I sent Harriet some sadistic voice notes threatening to put my head in the oven instead…and then freaked out some more trying to figure out what a “roast in the bag chicken” is. Harriet, a vegetarian, had to help clean up the chicken juices that went everywhere when I decided I would not be roasting anything in a bag. It was very chaotic. But eventually we figured it out. When everyone (finally) arrived, we feasted!

Yaz and Davi brought pao de queijo (a Brazilian cheese treat) Kat brought roast potatoes and carrots, Mish brough Mac & Cheese, Rory and Mike brought Apple Crumble (and Trader Joe’s jo-jo’s for me because I don’t eat fruit, to be loved is to be seen 🫶), Katie brought snickernoodles, Harriet brought leeks and stuffing, and Darwie brough Korean chocolate pancakes (that we didn’t eat then because they had nuts and I didn’t want Yaz to die). And before you ask, no, there was no turkey. I am not cooking a turkey, I am not god.

I made everyone watch me give a speech and then go around the table and say what they were thankful for, and then made them go around and say everything they are not thankful for, because what is a Thanksgiving without a little hatred.

And while I am here, may I say…

I am very thankful to my little London community. Sometimes I forget that I moved to a new continent and now here I am, over two years later, surrounded by friends and more than that, people I genuinely love. Sorry, I’m a big sap! I am enormously thankful for all my friends and family, not just locals 😉 . I am thankful for every hour-long catch-up phone call, every visit, every Instagram meme sent, everything. I am not thankful that I don’t live in a commune with all of you and can’t see your faces every day.

I am also not thankful that oat milk has so much sugar, the cost of a tube ride, Netflix's household rule, and war and inequality or whatever

xx

Honorable Mentions!!!!

🍵 Mollie’s Matcha 🍵

🎀 Mollie’s Music 🎀

This Album!!!

Also

Thanks for reading.

I miss you all so much,

XXXX

-M